


Where We Tread Alone

by Jadedphase



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, M/M, jace x alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:35:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1224808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadedphase/pseuds/Jadedphase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set very roughly and vaguely after the City of Bones movieverse and does divert from the book somewhat.<br/>Alec recovers and Jace deals with the burden of guilt and the doubt of Isabelle's sharp words.<br/>Was he the one to damn the family he has known for so long simply for the sake of a newcomer?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the Darkness Cannot Steal

It was quiet in the room, Isabelle's orders that Alec be left in peace while he recovered and they all held their breath; Magnus was, at least by his own accounts, a faultless Warlock but some wounds were difficult to heal. So for the better part of a week they had all ghosted around the room with only fleeting glances at the figure left occupying the only bed in use in the open space. 

None of them had the nerve, or else used the excuse of being too busy repairing the damage done to the building, to go into that room for the span of more than a few moments. Magnus to tend to the wound when he showed up every few days then disappeared once more to wherever it was that the whims of the uncharacteristically apprehensive Warlock took him, Isabelle to speak a few words in the hopes of hearing something back before she would dart back out and return to some obsessive determination of cleaning, training or distraction, and even Simon appeared occasionally. Though of the latter none really knew why, maybe it was just his sympathetic nature more than anything else since he had never been able to claim being very familiar with Alec in the brief weeks prior.  


It was only Jace that kept entirely distant, both from the room and from himself.  


Alec would heal, Alec was stronger than any of them in his own way, and he refused to see it any different. But what made Jace weary was wondering what sort of Alec would emerge from that darkened room to reclaim his place among them.  


There were already lies burning him up inside, or perhaps it was the truth that set his stomach into knots; Jace did not love easily and handing his heart to Clary only to have it doused with doubt had made him cold inside, like ice had taken up residence in the pit of his belly and chilled him to the bones. What if it were true? Did it matter to him, truly? Did a sibling he had never known still count as a sibling, or could she be something more?  


And what of the not-sibling who he had nearly always known that had been trying so hard for years to do the exact same? In spite of being forbidden Alec loved him, and what in that miserable world of broken chance and darkness eating them all apart did that amount to? Conviction and loyalty was what it amounted to, Jace knew; if he could trust nothing else in the world he could trust Alec to be his devoted shadow.  


It was, after all, the reason Alec lay wounded while the rest of them mourned as though he had already died.

As hard as he found it at times to think beyond himself all Jace could dwell over was two hearts not his own, two hearts lying in the palms of his hands. And those hands felt ill-made to protect either of them. He had already proven that in a fight he could keep them safe, but in the silent moments alone after he was worse than a demon; breaking them apart and leaving doubt and pain in his wake. 

It was finally the knowledge that he would indeed have to go seek Clary out, find out where her intentions now lay and if she would return, that drove him first into that room; before he could decide where his heart would rest in the future he first had to know where it existed in the present. 

It was so deathly silent in the room, if he could not have felt Alec's presence still there, still alive, still breathing under skin that must have felt too heavy to lift in more than shallow motions, Jace may have had to fight the urge to rush forward to reach for a wrist, check a pulse, strain his ear against the tense chest to listen to a wispy heartbeat.  
But as always, he could feel inside of his own self the tangled spot where he and Alec were bound as brothers, warriors, the closest of friend and family, and so Jace was at ease when he made his way to the bedside and sank into a chair left behind by Isabelle.

"You're carrying this on a long while, aren't you? Not like you to be so attention demanding; could you hurry this healing business up and be done with it so things can return to some version of normal?" Jace held some hope that the little pep talk would rouse Alec out of his sleeping state but there was not even a twitch when he spoke. Or more disturbingly, when he reached over to give the nearest hand an exploring prod.

"Well if you just insist on being stubborn I'll sit here until you're finished, I can wait it out." Jace snorted, not truly convinced that Alec was only waiting for the right moment to lift his eyes and call all the stalling to an end. But if he believed it maybe it was less painful than the truth he felt in the hollow of his chest; that his closest of friends was fighting for his life behind shut eyes and under sickness-paled skin.

The day drew out and spilled into night and still Jace sat with silent indignation, certain he was going to be the one to be there when Alec woke so that he could tell him rightly off for the selfish nonsense of making them all worry. He turned a blind eye to Magnus and Isabelle and even Simon when they made their visits, a stony statue by the bedside. 

By the third day Jace's hand remained in Alec's even though he could neither remember taking it in the first place nor tightening his grip around it as though he could force his will into that weak flesh and bone.  
And behind his eyes when they happened to shut for a brief escape all Jace saw was Isabelle's face twisted in horror and vicious accusation that the girl meant more than his family. Meant more than his brother in arms, his best friend, the person who loved him with a loyalty that had never been broken. Except maybe now; when Alec woke would the sting of the scar be a reminder that in the end Jace had made a choice beyond even his usual selfish notions?

Had he been the one to damn Alec for his devotion?

"You will not leave me," Jace finally hissed with equal part fury and misery, "I will not see you go like this. You and I will not lose each other in the dark, behind shut eyes and sleep; when we leave this life some day it will be in battle, together. This is not the time to leave; wake up. Alec...wake up!"  
The words fell over his lips over and over again, _wake up....wake up....wake up_ , until his voice was only a soft and hoarse whisper and his forehead had joined his hand lying against Alec's motionless shoulder. 

"Please Alec, wake up, give me the chance to understand why my heart is breaking; not just for Clary but you as well. Just give me the chance you damn selfish fool, _please_." Jace did not cry, he scarcely understood how to anymore, but his eyes burned from wanting to.


	2. What Comes to Chance

"You look like hell." 

The words were ugly, a raw and dry rasp, but to Jace they were like hearing the breaking of rain over an endless drought and his eyes lifted in sluggish motion, half certain he had only heard them in a dream.

But no, looking back at him where the same sharply blue eyes he had stared at in anger and frustration, joy and teasing; in those eyes lived Alec...pure, simple essence of the person Jace had lingered beside for the better part of two weeks. 

Alive, breathing, speaking. Alec.

"You look worse, flat awful in fact," Jace countered and sighed softly; his neck was stiff from sitting in the chair nearly without motion for hours and his hand had lain holding Alec's for so long his fingers felt numb.

Jace was tempted to draw that hand away but there was no use in it, that hand was resting where he wanted it in spite of his arguing otherwise. "You certainly took your time in dragging back to the world, didn't you? Your sister is going to strangle you for making her worry so long."  
And so would he if not for the fact that he couldn't bring himself to even entertain the idea of laying an angry hand on Alec in the reuniting moment.

"You waited for me," Alec murmured, a hint of perplexed awe in his otherwise tired gaze, a squeeze of the hand wrapped around his own. And Jace simply nodded, as he would have expected Alec to wait for him as well if he ever found himself wandering the cusp of death; wait for him to find the road back.

For a moment only silence lay between them until finally Jace stood and his hand slipped away, leaving Alec to fight back the urge to reach for it, beg for it for just a moment longer. But he didn't, he simply lay there, eyes shutting for an instant; so short-lived but what did he expect? His brother felt guilt but that was all he felt, all he could feel for him; and it felt like a dull poison in his veins to think that way.  
Was it true then? Had some silly Mundane drawn a line through the intricate connections between himself and Jace?  
Was he bound to lose his brother and closest friend all for the sake of a twinge of attraction, or even something more?

For one truly selfish instant Alec knew he could erase the possibility, could turn that guilt into a wall that would always stand before that foolish girl and Jace; a wall of family versus the whims of the heart. The only thing that held his tongue was knowing how it felt to have an impossible desire, a fate he could not fathom pressing on Jace; if he was to have him as more than what they had always been it would not be under the weight of a half-broken heart.

"It wasn't your fault, I follow you wherever you go now and always; it wasn't your fault," Alec could only mutter as he didn't trust putting any strength into the burning words.

Before the words had barely left his heavy lips Alec was startled into dragging his eyes open, weight shifting on the bed and he was suddenly no longer alone; the narrow form of the fair-haired young man edging into place on the mattress beside him.  
"Well now that you've made me wait weeks without any proper rest you can be the one to wait while I get some sleep." Jace muttered and pulled some of the pillow closer to rest his head on it, surrendering to the sleep he felt dragging him down into the welcoming depths and leaving Alec choking on the silence. 

 

When he woke it was to Alec's eyes scrutinizing him while he slept; to which Jace flashed a smirk. "I know anyone would be thrilled to wake up with me in their bed, but staring without permission is rude." Only a teasing joke, only brushed aside by Alec's muttered of vague amusement before he sank back against the bed and turned his eyes towards the ceiling instead. 

"Alec," Jace's voice cut through his thought like a gentle nudge, far more quiet than Jace often attempted to be. "I am sorry, you are my brother and my best friend and I forsake that in a distracted moment."

"For her sake, you did it for her. It is what it is Jace, and it changes nothing." Alec was weary at having to address the conversation so soon after shrugging off the fever and exhaustion but he couldn't ignore Jace's words either. If only he had an answer that didn't only brush aside his own feelings, but those were only tiny flickers that Jayce could not grasp. The girl had become a new section of Jace's world and the rest of it had grown more narrow and out of focus in the process. 

People always spoke of the wonders of attraction, but they never said much about how for every person that fell into love there was another feeling the pain of lost chances.  
Love was a game of chance and circumstance, of patching together wounds left by words and actions; a struggle that took with it tiny bits of a person and demanded tributes of life and at times even death.  
Alec was tried of being Jace's martyr but had been for so long that he couldn't remember how to be much else beyond it.

"For your sake I should have known better," Jace offered with a distinctly regretting voice very unlike his usual lofty tones, "I should have remembered family remains and family is sacred."  
It was the same old logic, Alec thought bitterly, that brothers were brothers and they were bound as warriors so that was enough for Jace even if it wasn't enough for him.

And then there was softness against his lips, warm and fully and coaxing; never had a kiss felt so overwhelming and so simple in the same breath; Alec felt his heart slid into his stomach and his skin flush all over with a heat from the inside out.  
His hands were buried in golden silk and his eyes were shut to prolong the dream, praying it would not break too soon because Alec knew his heart would go with it. And when it did his eyes slid open to meet with Jace's, to rest there amid indecision and love and complications.

"Let me go," Alec whispered, "Jace, please."

For the both of them, for the things Jace thought he could give but could not, for their past and for the bonds they still had; Jace could not hold onto his heart forever. He would always have it, but Jace had to give him the permission to borrow it back long enough to offer away when he found someone he would not have to share the way he would have Jace. 

But Jace was confused, was it not what Alec wanted? Him? What Alec needed? His affection in return? Hadn't Alec been waiting for him to answer that unspoken request, with love and determination to pay back those years of devotion?

He could see the pain in Alec's eyes but could feel the truth in his own veins that told him that even if he were to ever love Alec in the future he could not right now, could not simply ignore the indecision inside. And it was cruel to give him only tiny shadows of something real and warm; something they both needed to find for themselves be it in each other or elsewhere.

"As you wish," Jace caught hold of Alec's hand again, squeezing it, whispering in a tone that Alec had never heard. 

And he did, let go of that hand and dropped his gaze away, adding as he drew a breath slow and unsteady; "But please....just don't go too far."


End file.
